I feel like I am in week three of this news cycle of Jennifer Lawrence talking about throwing up at Madonna’s Oscar after party. Like, I see interviews passed around where JLaw talks about the deed itself, interviews where she talks about the aftermath, and now a new spate where she talks about Miley Cyrus admonishing her to sober up. Listen, I know we all have bodies and sometimes bodies are gross, and I’m certainly not squeamish. I am not a famous movie star, I am just a regular person, same as you, made of trans fats and old wig clippings, same as you. But I feel like I have better stories to tell than one where the principle action involves my body emptying itself on accident. Yes it’s true, once I too drank to excess and my body, of its own accord, expunged the offending Lime-a-Ritas. But I’ve never talked about that in public, because you know what? It’s just not a charming story that deserves even a re-tell. I might be in the minority here, but I’m of the persuasion that you always have a better story than to tell than the puke one. No matter who you are. Did you trip and fall anytime recently? Let’s hear about that!
Sometimes existence is just giving in to the unstoppable, soulless need for making an Arrested Development reference whenever the Internet requires it of you. Someone tweets something about “bees” and without thinking, feeling, your hand replies “BEADS?” Nary a hint of a smile crosses your face but the deed is done, the debt has been paid, and earth can continue its silent, spinning passage through unknowing space. Darkness. All those stars.